“I’m like the Jurassic Park of cuddling. I always find a way.”
—Me, very, very early this morning.
December 2011
19 posts
It's Finally Snowing!!
I’d just like to humbly thank Tim Tebow’s all powerful and benevolent Tier II God™*.
* Tier II God is a trademark subsidiary of God (NASDAQ:GOD)**, specializing in weather patterns, the Denver Broncos, and midterm exam scores.
** God® specializes in plague, pestilence, and the Denver Broncos. For more information on God®, please refer to your nearest religious text or Sean Penn film.
Sad Admission
I just now discovered Wikipedia categories.
Not a single task shall be accomplished henceforth!
Also. .
Please go download/watch/cry hysterically over Louis C.K.’s new special, which is available on his website for only $5.
The man deserves our praise and moneys, more than anyone.
Lazy Self-Indulgent Book Reviews: I Love It When Readers Ask Me For Relationship Advice. →
lazybookreviews.tumblr.com
TIL (anew) that Lazy Reviewer is my life sensei.
Because, to be honest, anyone who knows me would tell you that I am notoriously terrible at relationships. Awful! No good.
I am, however, just dynamite at being with Industrious Husband, which is why we got married instead of having a terrible breakup.
And I think that’s often more common than…
To Do: →
fakenamegenerator.com
Have back up identities in order, In Case of Rendition.
Eyewear Fetish: A Growing Concern Among the Bespectacled
I wear glasses.
I have worn glasses since I was eight. I switched to contacts for a short period of time, but was both surprised and disappointed in my own lack of diligence for their proper maintenance. I routinely left them on my poor eyeballs for weeks at a time and, after a year or so, decided to surreptitiously revert back to my frames. After a few years of exclusive-specs wearing, I’ve now found a happy medium of the two, where I wear my contacts (responsibly) when it is necessary for me to wear some other form of eye or facewear (sunglasses, goggles, Groucho Marx frames/nose/mustache combination pieces, etc) throughout the day, and my glasses the rest of the time.
There are a couple of things you begin to notice when beginning to switch back-and-forth between the two:
1. Your look weird. Like, really odd looking. Your eyes are too close together/far apart/slanty/small and there appears to just be too much…uninterrupted face area. It takes getting used to.
2. Dudes pretty universally dig a girl in glasses.
Number one kind of speaks for itself, and if you’ve ever switched from glasses to contacts, you totally understand.
Number two sneaks up on you sometimes. Sometimes it hits you in your glasses-less face.
I didn’t necessarily notice guys hitting on me less when I wasn’t wearing glasses or anything (not that there was a great amount of hitting-upon happening with the glasses, but…bear with me), but what I did notice is that when I would switch to contacts for the first time around a guy (new friends, boyfriends, co-workers, friends’ boyfriends, you know…guys), they were universally un-shy about letting me know that they liked me better with glasses.
And it’s hard not to take some sort of offense at that, you know? They were not so subtly saying that they don’t like my face. I’m being too sensitive, you say? Here are some verbatim examples:
Are you wearing contacts?? [pursed lips of disapproval] I really like your glasses. — Joe the Chef
You look weird. Where’s your glasses? You look better with glasses. — Junior, the Bold Mexican Hood Rat
I love it when you wear your glasses. They’re so hot. Right now you kind of look Asian. I feel like I’m cheating on you with you. — My dude. Although, in his defense, it was Halloween and he was on mushrooms.
The two things are expressly related, you say?
Yes. You’re correct. I hope you feel better.
Things I Love Today, Chronologically
- Hitting snooze on my alarm and burying my face in Boyfriend’s back.
- Leaving my car running outside of the market when I get my coffee & breakfast sandwich, and it still being there when I come out. This isn’t unusual, just…nice.
- Coffee & breakfast sandwiches.
- Re-establishing and re-organizing my entire daily work system to make more sense after doing it a really weird way for 7 months.
- Feeling like I’ve accomplished my day’s work and resorting to tumblr and Reddit at 9am.
- Figuring out/buying Boyfriend’s Christmas present almost a month early.
- Re-heating coffee & breakfast sandwiches.
- This orange. Not all oranges. Sometimes you get a really bad orange that makes you want to punch infants, you know? But not this one.
- Shopping for new glasses online. (<— This is untrue.)
- Leaving early!
- Watching, like, 30 hours of The Wire while Boyfriend ‘does art’ next to me.
Life is rough, you know?
I Welcome A Telethon For My Cause
IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION that I, inexplicably, am almost never more than six feet away from a thin-walled and moderately-used shared bathroom and I am disturbed by that fact.
“I think I’m just going to have to start giving people more shit.”
—My dad, who has already been referred to throughout my life as a hardass.
November 2011
13 posts
“A lot of men want a woman to mother them. They get with a woman and all they do is regress to the point where you might think he might not be capable to take care of himself at all. I don’t want another mother. I want a woman. I want to rise to the occasion. I want to learn and bask in your glow. I want to protect you and do whatever I can to give you strength. There is no twist to this. I am not about to blow my brains out. You have not cut me up like others have. It’s just this. I want to love you with everything in me. I need your help because I don’t know anything about it. I am suspicious and ready to leave and hit the cold road for the frozen dawn. I am just going to trust you with everything in me. I see now that it’s the only reason to be here. After kissing you, I cannot remember what it was like to kiss any other woman. At this point I am not sure if I ever have.”
—
Henry Rollins (via thatkindofwoman)
Well this is just gorgeous.
Things That Keep Me Awake At Night
I find it slightly disconcerting that I’ve flat-out lost a few pairs of underwear. Where are they? What are they doing? Were they clean?
At this point I’ve lost track of so many items of clothing, though, that I can hardly begin to wonder which ‘stop’ they might be at. Despite renting a room in a house right in town, I still manage to never sleep there and pretty much live out of a laundry basket in my car. Between staying at my dude’s house, housesitting for friends, and doing laundry at my dad’s, those shits could be anywhere in this town. They could be going to see The Sound of Music every night for all I know.
If you find them, please tell them I’d like them to come home, as some of those were my favorite pairs.
To Do:
If you’ve never stepped into a hot shower with a mouth full of pepper jerky, FIX THAT.
Because, wow.
Aimlessly Wandering the Wine Section and:
- Wine Guy at the Market: Would you like any help with a recommendation?
- Me: Yes, could you direct me to a bottle that will go nicely with this Flamas flavored bag of Doritos?
- WG: Hm, yes I believe this Pinot Noir, lightly chilled, will go very well with spicier fare.
- Me: Thank you ever so kindly.
